Nov 22

Nov 22 Our America

Growing up in Indonesia I had only met a handful of black people, and the majority of my understanding about black folks came from the media. I was exposed to fictional stories that portrayed black men and women in limited roles with often negative stereotypes, as well as the news, which sensationalized crime by black people while always failing to apply the same gusto to crimes committed by a white person. This negatively warped and skewed my understanding of race. My story is not unique, which is why I believe it is so important to highlight. When I eventually moved to the U.S. for college, I identified not only the false narrative that I had been presented with but also, and more importantly, my willful and complicit ignorance that started as an innocent and misguided perspective on race that could have grown into an entrenched negative view on others solely based off the color of their skin.

Going to school in Washington, D.C. I met people from all walks of life, who came from a variety of backgrounds and had ideas that ran the gamut. Not only did I question my views on race, but also politics, sexuality, and spiritual orientation, among many other quandaries. I even wondered if I was actually a left foot dominant soccer player. That last question answered itself pretty quickly as I was still woefully awful with my left foot.

Somewhere along the lines, I heard the phrase that you can’t know someone until you walk in their shoes. I attribute this quote, or at least some version of it, to my late grandfather, Azhari. He grew up in colonial Indonesia and lived through the independence movement, the Cold War, and part of the Trump administration. Now, my story takes a back seat and we will explore some of why my experience is important to not only understand but to also replicate en masse if we want to heal our country together.

In my view, one of the essential features of being American, and the experiment of democracy as a whole, is to be brave enough to constantly challenge our beliefs. To challenge the stories that have been told to us, and that we then tell ourselves. To be American is to challenge the current dogma that pervades one’s society and to dream of a better place for everyone. That is what our founders believed. They imagined a system of new rights, freedoms, and opportunities outside of what they had experienced. Granted, the founders’ visions and actions should be taken with a grain of salt to reflect the historical context of their times—their rights, freedoms, and opportunities were only meant for those like them: white, male, landowners. Nonetheless, their innate beliefs remain core to this nation’s identity and its people’s democratic will.

Fast forward to 2020, and a new President has been elected. As of this writing, the COVID-19 pandemic still has its grip on the world, and the U.S. saw an upswell in activism surrounding Black Lives Matter and other associated social justice causes, as well as the highest ever voter turnout during the election. There is a myriad of reasons that likely explain this high engagement level in civic action. However, one thing the election results reveal as clear as day to us all, is that this country is divided. Some have proclaimed that there are two Americas. A country divided along political, racial, ethnic, religious, and many other lines. A rupture that is so clear and wide that some have deemed it a lost cause to bridge the gap between our seemingly polar opposite differences. While it is easy to accept this perspective on the current state of affairs as it neatly tucks individuals into different boxes, I believe that the truth often lies somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in between, in the fog that seemingly separates us, is the common ground that we can stand on together to make progress.

Take the example of income inequality. The well-off liberal American in a coastal city may lament that income inequality is extreme in this country because large corporations are not paying their fair share of taxes to support the welfare system. Conversely, a less affluent conservative American living in a rural part of the country may believe that income inequality persists because the government is taxing individuals so much that they do not have enough income to support themselves. After an initial glance, one would assume that the common denominator between these two individuals is their view on the significance of government and taxation in our society. However, upon further inspection, the common thread at the root of their positions is neither politics nor economics; it is the standard of living that we should expect to have in this country. Government, taxes, and legislation are the vehicles for such change, yet our views on these tools are widely influenced by our upbringing and surroundings. With the exception of a vocal minority of extremists, bigots, and generally nefarious people, it is seldom the case that any American has an agenda based on malice against other Americans. So how do we come to this common ground?

First, let’s take a look at Dave Chappelle’s recent monologue on Saturday Night Live. While the overall bit is great, I would encourage the reader to focus on Chappelle’s closing thoughts at minute 14:30. He intones that those who felt this election cycle was a victory for them should be humble winners and that the terrible feeling many had during the last election still plagues millions of Americans today. He talks about the suffering that many Americans feel and the finger-pointing that goes on as to why they are experiencing their respective plights. He concludes that while many hate each other for the position they are in, he chooses not to hate other people, but to hate that feeling. The feeling of being ignored, mistreated, and stepped on. To hate that feeling and not one another That is what he fights through and that is what he suggests we all fight through.

So, now what? The work to be done to heal our nation may seem daunting, and almost impossible at times. Why start a race you don’t think you can finish? The reality is that America was always built on the idea of a race that could never be completed. The nation founded on aspirational ideas will continue to grow to not only fulfill those ideas but also to set sights on blue skies to take the nation to greater heights. So, the question about where to start and where it will lead you to is really a moot point. There is always work that needs to be done, and if we all collectively put our heads down and try to understand and reach out to each other, we will all be better for it. However, if you are still needing a nudge in the right direction, please take a look at this brilliant piece in The New York Times by Professor Loretta J. Ross of Smith College.

What if Instead of Calling People Out, We Called Them In?

Ross’ stance on how to bring about positive change and hold each other accountable comes from a very small shift in viewing the pervasive ‘cancel culture’ that has currently come to plague social media and many young Americans. She advocates that we move away from calling each other out, and instead call each other in. I witnessed the difference between calling someone else in or out firsthand during my sophomore year of university when two different friends made Islamophobic remarks regarding a recent terrorist bombing at the time. With my first friend, I shut down and stormed out of the room after calling them choice words that likely only exacerbated an already tense discussion. After calling that friend out and seeing no progress in bridging the divide, I decided that the next time someone made such discriminatory remarks, I would try to hear them out before fighting fire with fire. That opportunity came several weeks later as another friend made a similar remark and I chose to hear them out on that occasion and to continue to question them on their statement. After a relatively calm and open discussion, I came to learn that my second friend’s Islamophobic statement came from a place of fear as opposed to hatred. He was afraid of what he didn’t know. He had read about the act of terrorism in the news and was worried that something similar might happen to him during his own travels home for the break. He admitted that such irrationality was likely due to the stress he was feeling during a busy exam period that added to the general anxiety he was feeling due to having not seen his family after a long semester. Like many of us, he was just going through a rough time and therefore wasn’t thinking with full clarity. The friend in the first example could have just as easily been feeling the exact same way but to this day, we have never brought up that argument. I still wonder how things might be different if I had tried to call him in as opposed to calling him out that day. Calling each other in is to be both active in calling out prejudice and active in calling back in those who espouse it. To use compassion not only for providing perspective but also for providing each other the opportunity to learn and come together.

Another issue with calling each other out is that it tends to breed performative activism. Some may unknowingly prefer calling each other out as a simple ‘feel-good’ solution that doesn’t require the thoughtfulness and follow up that calling in each other does. Simply calling each other out is hardly a solution to any problem, as it not only further entrenches the beliefs of those with whom we disagree but puts the other person in a defensive position that forces them to admit their mistake without the opportunity for actual positive development in perspectives. In short, calling out others only serves to boost one’s own ego temporarily about doing ‘the right thing’ while further alienating those with whom we most need to connect, to materialize real change.

“The antidote to that outrage cycle, Ross believes, is “calling in.” Calling in is like calling out, but done privately and with respect. “It’s a call out done with love,” she writes. That may mean simply sending someone a private message, or even ringing them on the telephone (!) to discuss the matter, or simply taking a breath and a moment to think before commenting, screen-shotting or demanding one “do better” without providing suggestions of how to do so.

Calling out assumes the worst. Calling in involves conversation, compassion and context. It doesn’t mean a person should ignore harm, slight or damage, but nor should she, he or they exaggerate it. “Every time somebody disagrees with me it’s not ‘verbal violence,’” Ross writes. “I’m not getting ‘re-raped.’ Overstatement of harm is not helpful when you’re trying to create a culture of compassion.”

— Loretta J. Ross, New York Times

It is time to seek to understand each other. “The people I need to convince are somewhere else,” writes former President Barack Obama in his recent memoir, of his need to focus less on his base and more on reaching out to those who did not know him nor agree with him. This has never been more true in America. Widen the scope of your protests, marches, and movements. Escape the boundaries of the physical and digital echo chambers you find yourself in. Seek out disagreement. But do not seek it out solely to determine who is right, but rather to determine how we can all move forward together. Remember to invest in not only your immediate surroundings but also in communities across the country. If you believe in the power of enterprise for not just profit, but also positive change, then continue to or start to invest across this country. As has been the case throughout history, economic and intellectual capital has often flocked to and stayed in coastal cities. Make sure that, as the ceiling of opportunity rises in this country, the floor doesn’t drop out from beneath us. Follow people on social media that you disagree with to find out where your commonalities actually lie and to unearth where your beliefs may fall short. Read books that discuss difficult topics, that challenge your understanding of the world. Oftentimes, in sports, we tout that there is no gain without pain. The same can be said about healing our country and understanding each other. There will be difficult realities for each of us to reckon with, but if you don’t take the first step to identify your own shortcomings, then you will never be able to help others grow. Find ideas, people, institutions, and more that you disagree with and do not understand, and continue to ask “why.”

“You haven’t truly defeated your enemy until you’ve made them your ally.” - Unknown

My grandfather, as most grandparents are, was right in the words he said that has started me on this journey, and I hope yours as well, wherever you find yourself. You can’t truly understand another person unless you have walked in their shoes. Lived their life and experienced both their hardships and successes. And while it may not be possible to perfectly understand each other, it ought to be our collective obligation to not only strive to create a better country, but to create a better country for all of us. To be American is to seek to understand each other so that we can dream bigger and be better together. Let’s walk across America together in different shoes.

Extra Thoughts

Need some ideas on where to get started?

We often only care about the presidential election as a matter of philosophical debate as to which candidate represents America best and therefore represents our worldview most accurately. Actual legislation, action, and allocation of resources go through congress, the various government agencies, and other state and local officials. If the President is the coach, then the other aforementioned parties are the players. Running this country is a team sport. Want to know where to start learning about the different players in the government? Try reading the Fifth Risk by Michael Lewis. Another source to follow is local news, as explained below.

If the government is a sports team then the news media are our scorekeepers. Support those who keep our government accountable by investing in quality and differentiated news sources. Subscribe to some local news publication(s) in addition to the national and international sources that are available. If you aren’t paying for your news, then you are paying with your attention that will be monetized by news outlets to support their ad-driven business. See this great op-ed piece on the subject. In addition to local, national, and international outlets, there are many podcasts and newsletters that are available and can provide great deep dives on different issues.

Why stop at the news? As mentioned in the piece above, try reading books from those with who you disagree. Growing up in a household that tended to vote Democrat (as far as I am aware), meant that I was predisposed to have a certain level of distrust towards the Republican party. I have tried my best to find books by “conservative” authors to help broaden and challenge my “liberal” views. One such book that got me started on this habit was Words That Work by Frank Luntz. (I am always open to recommendations if you have any)

In addition to broadening one’s views via analog literature, it is also important to consider the digital influences that reach us. It is equally important to diversify our social media consumption as it is to continue to evolve our consumption of news and books. If you don’t find an opinion that you disagree with at least once a day on social media then you might want to diversify your feed.

Have open and sometimes hard conversations with your friends, family, and colleagues. The first two groups might be more obvious than the latter as a place for progressive conversation. We are often told that school, whether it be the 8th grade or your second year in law school, is a place where you can explore new ideas and question things. Then, the moment we enter the workforce we are instructed that our personal and political lives are to never intertwine with work. That seems a bit odd that we are told to be open to learning new views for the first quarter or so of our life and then shut down for the rest of it, and in particular as we grow older into positions of more power. The echo-chamber of social media is dwarfed when compared to the echo-chamber that career-related embargoes have on our abilities to express and hear other views. However, it must be emphasized that I am not suggesting we grill our colleagues on their political leanings or choice of candidate but rather I am encouraging a more open discourse surrounding issues that matter to employees, whatever they may be, whether it be racial injustice, climate change, the gender pay gap, etc. Disclaimer: Such an open environment may not create an immediate tangible impact on what any specific firm may do in terms of bridging the gap in this country but what it will do is allow for many Americans to reduce polarity in this country by hearing each other's views during the activity (work) that dominates the majority of their time during their adult life.

These conversations can extend beyond the holy trilogy of adult-relationships that are one’s friends, family, and co-workers. Strike up a conversation with strangers. I find that these conversations, whether it be with a cab-driver after a late night, with the store clerk at your local grocery store, or a stranger in a suit sitting on the same bench as you, often lead to a unique opportunity to briefly peer into the life of another person who we may not ordinarily nor regularly get to learn about.